Working Whatevers..

Whoa! I haven't been on here in three years, that's crazy. Where have the time gone? Better yet, what do I have to show for it? It might be ridiculous for me to say this, but I kind of feel like I was better then than I am now. Who am I kidding, no, I'm just a little lost. I'm still the same Kay, with the same thoughts, just a little more magnified, but hazy all in the same breath. I'm at this weird point in my life where time and reality don't exist. It's like I'm here, but I'm not. I've seen a lot, and done a lot but not enough to change me. Yes, I've changed but it's kind of weird, because I always pictured myself being a lot different at this point of my life by now. Progress has been made, but I'm not nearly where I dreamed I'd be three years ago. I think it's like that for everyone. You put your future self on this ridiculously high pedestal, and then beat your self up when you finally catch up to that figment and realize that you're still at the bottom of the totem pole. That's not fair, but that's exactly what I do. Luckily, I've learned how to just go with the flow, because I'm tired of letting myself down. I'm not exactly sure if that the right approach anymore. Even though I feel relieved of the pressure I put on myself, it's like now I'm just lost with no direction. Like a leaf just blowing in the wind. Whatever I guess, it'll all work itself out. I'll work myself out.

Turning of the Tide

 Today has been one of those days when you shrug your shoulders and keep moving forward. Everyday has been that way for me as of late. I think I'm finally finding myself. Sometimes isolation is a good thing. A couple days, weeks, heck maybe even a month for yourself can't hurt. It gives you time to think and for me, the perfect medicine. I sat back and watch life pass me bye and realized that I'M NOT MISSING ANYTHING! Time is just a continuation of it self. That's why clocks are circles and the earth is round. You have to realize that everyone is NOT going to understand why you do the things you do. If you just watch and observe others for a while you can ALMOST decipher a humans character, but not the humans condition. That's why I don't judge anyone for the things they do. With all that said, there's a change in the tides..

If you didn't know, the phrase, "Turning of the Tide" means or shall I say, represents the way the tides are low and high AND how little us humans can control it. Just like life. If you think your in charge of your life, your not. There is a force greater than ourselves that make life what it is. Those lows and highs are not only for the waves made in the water. There also the building blocks to our self-being. So the next time you think for a second that life is too tough to bear, remember, just like the tide, those highs (or better times) WILL come back. Just like time, its a circle. A CIRCLE OF LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! (wow, that was kind of a lame way to end this post, but so very true).


("Take this time to realize that you always shut your eyes in the midst of trial and everything is always right and I think that it's time this battle must be won, but you pushed it aside pretend that it's gone. This circle never ends and it's time you just face it, don't pretend that it's over.." - Paramore)

WORDLESS BOOK

I was going through one of my many journals I keep on and around me at all times and I stumbled upon some old entries I thought were interesting. A part of me wants to post them, and another, not to. I'm too afraid to post them, because I'm afraid someone will take credit for my words. The courageous and optimistic side of me tells me I should go for it and maybe, just maybe, someone important might read it and decide that I'm something worth reading. (I right poetry mostly, and that's what I'm debating with myself on posting). Okay, decision made, I'm not going to post a poem yet, but I will post this entry I wrote a while back, so here we go. (With original grammar, spelling, etc. so please ignore all the grammatically incorrect-ness of it):

"DAY ONE: (December 28, 2009)

I'm making it a priority that I write in this book everyday. If not everyday, as many times as possible; I'm trying something new. I have a total of 8 journals, none of which I've done what I've said I would. I am going to start with this journal, journal #4. This is one of the last journals I bought and I must say, it's one of my favorites. Besides that, I am on a journey. A journey finding the values of life, the important things that put constant questions in my head. I think that I might possibly be crazy, who knows? I just know, that there aren't many people like me, and if there were, would or do they think the same way I do? See life the same way I do? I don't know, and that's the problem, the reason why I'm going on this journey. I want to be changed. But more than anything else, I want to be loved. Not loved for what I do, or can do. NOT loved for what I say, just for who I am.My request is not one of simple answers or obvious revelations. I want more, I need more, I deserve more. I question who I am and who I should become, and I end up with no answers. I guess you can say, I'm at a crossroads. NO, not even that, I'm trapped in a book with no words, fighting to fill it with the blood from my heart, letting it spill and penetrate the pages just to let myself bleed out the endless possibilities of my life. Because, like I said, I'm not like other people, and I don't think the same way other people think." -Kendolyn M. Murray (me)

DANCING IN THE DARK

So, recently I've decided that, I should be doing things on my own. Making my own money, buying my own clothes and shoes, etc. I've even decided that its important for me to try to be in a serious relationship (ha, or something close to one). In that process, I've realized that I'm better off by myself. I don't really have close friends and I'm not trying to have close friends in the meant time. Some people say (my family mostly) says its unhealthy for me to be so alone all the time and I should go out more. What they fail to realize is, I'm alone even when I'm surrounded with hundreds of people. Ridiculous I know, but true. Though, I do open myself to the possibilities of boyfriends and best friends,but I don't like the feeling. It makes me feel, oh I don't know, I guess vulnerable. Everyone says that I'm weird, and strange. "Why can't I be normal like all the other kids mom? Why cant I be like every one else." Then I say to myself, why do you want to be?

Is being different that bad, why should I be like everyone else? If everyone one was the same, then who would be that standout person from the group?

I think everyone else is just scared of themselves and others. They hide themselves behind closed doors where no one can see. I don't dance in the dark.

"We all have the choice to take the lead or follow. I want to feel the light shine on me. So afraid of what people might say but thats okay cause your only human. Your so afraid of what people might say but thats okay you'll soon get strong enough...your gonna break so please dont do it..."-Nelly Furtado,Afraid

My First Blog/DISTRACTIONS

It's been officially a week now to the beginning of my summer and it already sucks. Today, I attempted to clean my room and straighten up a bit since me and my family just moved. Anyone who knows me (which you probably don't) knows that I get distracted very easily. I went in my room, looked at my phone and decided that cleaning my room would need some music. Using my G1 I thought Paramore would be appropriate to begin the occasion. 45 minutes later and my room is untouched like the Veronica's. I'm so into my music,nothing can interrupt good music. Cleaning my room would have to wait another day.

What distracts you?